


It's a Nightmare.

by smileirwin



Category: The Maze Runner Series - James Dashner
Genre: Depression, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, this was really sad to write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-26
Updated: 2015-06-26
Packaged: 2018-04-06 05:54:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4210500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smileirwin/pseuds/smileirwin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Today was the day.</p>
<p>The day Newt decided enough was enough, and he was going to get of there.</p>
<p>But not in the way everyone was expecting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is a bit short, the second chapter is where everything happens.
> 
> I hope you like it, and feel free to leave critiques or prompts in my tumblr (silverrargent).
> 
> Kudos and comments are much appreciated! xx

_Running_  

 

Newt was running as fast as his legs would take him.

 

_The quicker I run, the quicker I’ll be away from here._

 

For every waking moment in the Glade, Newt hated himself even more. He hated how useless he was, he hated how broken he was, and most of all, he hated how much he wanted to die. Ever since he arrived that first day in the box, Alby and the other boys fed him false hope about being able to escape one day. Newt spent nearly a year believing they’ll actually escape and spend the rest of their lives happy, and with their _families._ Hope is a powerful thing, and he wished they would have just told him the truth.

 

_There is no way out._

 

He didn’t even care about conserving his energy anymore; the faster he ran, the quicker he would be able to escape this horrible place, and that’s all Newt cared about. He could feel his legs getting weaker with every step, and his lungs struggling to catch his breath, but he pushed through it.

 

_I won’t need to worry about it in just a few minutes._

Finding a fairly sturdy vine, Newt started to climb. His legs were shaking underneath him, whether from anxiety or over-exhaustion, he didn’t know. But he didn’t care. He was so close to finally escaping. Just the idea of no longer having to deal with the pain and exhaustion was absolute bliss. Newt was so ready to leave everything behind, as there was nothing really _to_ leave behind.

 

_Almost there._

As it was virtually impossible to climb to the top of the wall, Newt decided that even only climbing halfway could accomplish what he was about to do. He was about to die. And Newt couldn’t be more ecstatic.

 

Struggling to hold on, Newt quickly said a short ‘goodbye’ to everyone who ever cared about him. Specifically Minho and Alby.  They were the only people who prevented him from offing himself earlier, but Newt finally came to realize that even they were so much better without him. They didn’t need a pathetic asshole tagging along everywhere they went. They deserved to have a better friend than he ever was. Someone who wasn’t so self-absorbed in their own self-hatred to actually care about them.

 

“I’m sorry,” Newt whispered, his accent running thick with his tears. “I’m so sorry.”

 

And with that, Newt closed his eyes and jumped.

 

And screamed.


	2. Chapter 2

“Newt! Newt, wake up!” Thomas yelled, shaking a screaming Newt. Even asleep, Newt looked absolutely exhausted and broken. He couldn’t stop screaming and thrashing around, no matter how hard Thomas tried to wake him up. The tears that were strolling down his face made Thomas’ heart break even more. Thomas wished he could say this was the first time this had ever happened. Or even that this was the first time this had happened this month. But unfortunately, it wasn’t; this had actually become quite a frequent occurrence.

 

“C’mon Newt!” Thomas continued, trying to wake Newt up from his nightmare. “Wake the hell up!”

 

After another minute of that, Newt woke up abruptly and immediately sat up, breathing very heavily. His chest was rising and falling very rapidly, in what Thomas realized was a panic attack.

 

“Newt. Newt, look at me,” Thomas instructed, suppressing his own panic, while watching Newt’s gaze meet everywhere except his eyes. “You’re not in danger, you’re safe,” he reassured him. Once Newt _did_ look at him, Thomas began to wish he hadn’t. The sadness surrounding Newt’s eyes broke his heart, and Thomas hated seeing his boyfriend so broken. The bags under his eyes made it look like he hadn’t slept properly in months, which was actually probably true. After finally matching Newt’s breathing with Thomas’s, Newt’s panic ceased to sobs.

 

Newt had his head in his hands, and Thomas could hear the quiet sobs that Newt was letting out. He couldn’t help but wish it was _him_ who was broken and crying, because Newt didn’t deserve it. When Newt wasn’t feeling particularly depressed, he was the light of Thomas’ life. Hell, he was _always_ the light of Thomas’ life, no matter how he was feeling. Newt made him smile and laugh like no one else could, and Thomas wished Newt didn’t have to deal with any of this shit. He didn’t deserve it. Thomas rubbed Newt’s back as he continued to sob, as there wasn’t much else he could do. Sometimes, it is good to let it all out.

 

“Bad dream?” Thomas asked, once Newt’s sobs noticeably settled down. Newt slowly nodded, and Thomas smiled reassuringly. He figured Newt wouldn’t be in the mood to talk much, but he didn’t blame him, after seeing what he just went through.

 

“Want to talk about it?” Thomas asked cautiously, not wanting to trigger another panic attack or anything of that nature. To his surprise, Newt nodded. He didn’t speak right away, but Thomas gave him all the time he needed to gather his thoughts.

 

“Tommy, it was so scary,” Newt breath quivered, as he continued to tremble. “I tried to kill myself.”

 

“Were you in the Glade again?” Thomas asked. For whatever reason, Thomas noticed that Newt always found himself in a place he referred to as ‘the Glade’ in his nightmares. It wasn’t necessarily the placeitself that gave him the nightmares, but the things he was _experiencing_ in the Glade. Whether it was watching his friends die, or getting stuck in the Maze, it all led to the Glade.

 

Newt nodded and continued to explain to Thomas what had happened in his nightmare. The entire time, Thomas held his hand and assured him it was going to be okay.

 

Even after talking about it for a bit, Newt still seemed extremely shaken up. There were still tears falling, but not as consistently as they were before. Thomas just wanted to hold his boyfriend and tell him that everything was going to be okay, but he had no idea if they were going to be. It was odd enough that these nightmares happen all too often, but the fact that each nightmare involved ‘the Glade’ made everything all the more confusing. He just wanted Newt to be happy, and it physically pained Thomas to see Newt so _unhappy_.

 

“Are you okay, baby?” Thomas asked, although he knew the answer. He knew Newt wasn’t okay, of course he wasn’t. He just experienced one of the worst nightmares he ever had, and was still shaken up about it, but Thomas needed a way to ask if there was anything else Newt was willing to tell him.

 

“No, I’m not Tommy! The scariest part of that dream was that it felt _so fucking real._ It’s like the both of us are the same people, except he was in the Glade and I’m here! And he actually had the courage to kill himself! I’m such a fucking coward, I would never be able to kill myself, no matter how much I want to, and I hate that, Tommy. I hate that, and I hate myself. I hate myself so much, Tommy. I really do.” Newt cried, before bursting out in tears for the second time that night.

 

Thomas couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He knew, and saw, Newt was getting bad again, but he never realized just how bad he was getting. _“How could I have let him get that bad?”_ he asked himself, feeling tears threatening to pour over. _“I’m supposed to protect him, how could I have not seen this coming?”_

“Newt, why didn’t you tell me?” Thomas whispered, a few tears streaming down his own face. _What kind of boyfriend can’t even protect his boyfriend?”_

“Oh no, Tommy. Don’t you dare cry,” Newt threatened, upon looking up at Thomas. “Don’t you dare cry, because then I’ll start crying and never stop.”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Thomas asked again. “You _know_ what happened last time you bottled everything up, Newt! Were you planning anything?”

 

Thomas’s slightly raised voice made Newt wince, and Thomas immediately felt guilty for yelling at him.

  
“I wasn’t planning anything…” Newt answered, almost inaudibly, after a deep sigh. He refused to look up at Thomas’s eyes.

 

“Newt, please don’t lie to me,” Thomas practically begged.

 

“I swear, I wasn’t planning anything!” as Newt sighed again. “I wasn’t planning anything, because whatever I _had_ planned, I already did. And I’m still here, right?” Newt looked up at Thomas’s disappointed eyes, as he attempted to subtly move his hands behind his back.

 

It didn’t really work as planned.

 

“Let me see,” Thomas insisted. “Please, Newt. Can I please see it?”

 

Newt closed his eyes and slowly moved his hands from behind him. He stretched them out in front of him and heard Thomas let out a small gasp. Not only were Newt’s wrists covered in old and new scars, but his entire arms were as well. Each and every single scar represented a time when Thomas wasn’t there for his boyfriend, and he couldn’t believe how many times he wasn’t there for him.

 

“I’m so sorry, Newt. I’m so sorry,” Thomas cried and Newt was surprised at the change of reaction. He genuinely expected Thomas to hate him and not love him anymore. He didn’t deserve to be loved, after all.

  
“Why are you sorry, Tommy? I’m the one who’s sorry.”

  
  
“Because every single scar represents a time I wasn’t there for you. A time where you felt so alone, you were forced to turn to something that so dangerous. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I’m so sorry.”

 

“Tommy, each and every scar represents a time where you _were_ there for me, but I stupidly pushed you away. I never wanted to bother you with my problems, so I bottled them away and let it out on myself. I know it’s bad to bottle my shit up like that, but I felt like if I came to you, you wouldn’t love me anymore. Who would love such a pathetic, fucked up person, anyways?”

 

“Newton Isaac, don’t you dare say that. I love you for you and _all of you_. All of your body, all of your flaws and even all of your shit. I fell in love with you for the person you are, and I intend to stay in love with that person. Whatever shit you’re going through isn’t going to change my love for you and it never will. And talking to me about what’s going on _does not make you weak._ In fact, it makes you strong for being able to talk to me about the things that makes you upset. You are already the strongest person I’ve ever met and I love you for that. No matter what you say, that will always be true. I love you, and I always will. Got it?” Thomas finished, wiping the last tear off of Newt’s face with the pad of his thumb. Newt smiled for the first time that night, and Thomas was relieved to see that beautiful smile he fell in love with.

 

“Thank you, Tommy. Thank you for everything. Thank you for being there, even when I push you away. Thank you for being the best friend and boyfriend there ever was. Thank you for loving me when no one else will. But most of all, thank you for being you. Because I fell in love with you and I would not be where I am if it wasn’t for you. Hell, I might not even be on this earth anymore if it wasn’t for you, and I’m incredibly grateful. I love you, and I always will. Thank you, Tommy. Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!
> 
> feel free to leave critiques or prompts on my tumblr (silverrargent)


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